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		Dealing With Abuse What is male sexual abuse? Adult men who were victims of childhood sexual abuse Families of sexually abused boys What to do if you just learned your son was sexually abused Warning signs of sexual abuse of boys God Cares There is hope How to know God Helping Your Husband About Savior's Hope Who We Are Paul's Story Resources Find a Counselor Recommended Resources Contact Us		Helping Your Husband     How can I help my husband? The best thing that you can do is to learn as much as you can about the effects of sexual abuse. This will help you understand why your husband may act a bit differently or react in ways that seem out of context. You cannot change your husband and you cannot force him to face his past abuse, but by learning all you can about how childhood sexual abuse wounds a young man you will be able to better create an environment where your husband feels safe to begin the healing process.   Shame The primary emotion that your husband will feel about the abuse is shame. He may not even know he feels shame (in fact, he may not be feeling anything at all…more on what to do if he is completely emotionally shut down later), but the shame over the childhood abuse will be the underlying emotion that will drive most of his actions and reactions. Shame tells your husband not that something bad happened to him, but that he is bad and worthless. Your husband’s entire self-image is filtered through the shame of the abuse. Depending on how good your husband has managed to cover up the wounds of the abuse will influence how deep the shame is. But, it is there. No one can be molested as a boy and not have deep feelings of shame that make the man feel worthless at his core.   What can you do about this? Unfortunately, not much. You cannot change your husband and you cannot take away that deep sense of shame. Only God is able to do that. The wounds that your husband has are wounds of the soul and require a spiritual solution. You can, however, help create an environment where he will feel safer to pursue that spiritual healing.   What if my husband doesn’t seem to feel anything? What can I do if he is closed emotionally? First, you need to recognize that most men are not as emotionally based as women. That does not mean that man will not and should not feel emotions, it just means that he will not act from his emotions as much as a women will. You first need to make the distinction between what is a typical response (or lack of response) from a man who has not been abused and what is an indication that something is blocking your husband from feeling.   If your husband is not feeling any emotions because of his past sexual abuse, you will not be able to force him to feel. In fact, your attempts to force him to feel something will more than likely be met with anger and resentment. Your husband will hear your attempts to help as confirmation that there is something wrong with him (at his core) and you will end up just triggering the shame he already feels. The best thing you can do is not pressure him.   One possibility to explain to your husband that his lack of feelings are an indication that something might have damaged him earlier in life. The shutting down of feelings is a common after effect of childhood sexual abuse. Look at it from your husband’s point of view. As a young boy he was traumatized because an adult or older child used him sexually for their own desires. Your husband had no idea of what was really happening to him. All he was that is was painful, both physically and emotionally. That alone would be enough to cause someone to shut down emotionally. If, as a young boy, your husband could not get anyone to listen to him about the abuse or had no one to tell, then those feelings of pain do not get the chance to come out and be dealt with. The “only” option a child has left is to deny the emotions themselves. It is a defensive mechanism. If you want to help your husband, gently suggest that he read this paragraph and consider if this might be what is causing him to be emotionally cut off.   Talk About It One of the best things you can do for your husband is to not allow the past sexual abuse to remain in the dark. Talk about it with him. However, you need to be careful what you say and how you say it.   The best thing you can say is “It was not your fault.” Because of the immense amount of shame your husband feels over the incident(s), he has a deep seeded belief that he was somehow at fault for the abuse. Your husband may not react to these words or he may try to deny what you are saying, but by lovingly speaking the truth you are helping him be set free. “It was not your fault” are five very powerful words that your husband’s soul desperately needs to hear.   Another thing that you can communicate to your husband is that God does want to help him feel better. Refer your husband to this web site and especially the section “Hear Paul’s Story”. Many men will not acknowledge the damage that has been done by abuse until they hear another man talk about it.

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